A Chat with a dear friend on SmallBizTitans.com

Just thought you might be interested in visiting the website of a dear friend.  She interviews business owners and it was my honor to be asked!

http://smallbiztitans.com/episode-104-spiritual-coaching-and-small-business-coach-ken-davis-offers-entrepenuers-his-secrets.html

A New Look at Forgiveness

According to A Course in Miracles, peace can be found only through complete forgiveness (T-1.VI.1).

What is "Complete Forgiveness"? Eventually we will find out! Jesus says we must forgive 70 times 7 (Matthew 18:21-22).

SO! Experts agree; Forgiveness is a very effective area to which we may apply ourselves for the sake of spiritual growth and as you will see, it can be accomplished via mental retraining!

Before we discuss Forgiveness, let us become clear about the common definition of the word!Forgive (per Merriam-Webster)
1) a: to give up resentment of or claim to requital for forgive an insult;
    b: to grant relief from payment or forgive a debt;
2)   : to cease to feel resentment against (an offender): pardon forgive one's enemies;

Sounds pretty easy, "give up resentment of or claim to requital".  How do we do this?  How do we even know when we have "succeeded" in forgiving? Often enough, we think we have forgiven, only to find out later that we are still holding on to resentments or anger!  Part of the reason that we have so many questions is that forgiveness has many shades! Also this word looms fuzzily in our lives as a "good thing"! It will be very helpful to sharpen our definition of this concept! We need to unravel OUR THINKING concerning forgiveness.

I want to introduce one powerful tool, to assist us!

Dr. Bruce Schneider, a long-time Professional Life Coach and founder of a respected coach training school, iPEC, wrote a book called Energy Leadership.  In it he describes seven different levels of consciousness, Level 1 being the most Dualistic or fear minded and Level 7 being Non-Dual and completely conscious, enlightened.  (In my coaching, I sometimes jokingly refer to these levels as the "Stairway to Heaven".) Energy Leadership is a powerful coaching tool but there are many other valuable implications of the work surrounding its use! It is not important to know and understand everything about these levels, right now. As we proceed, I will explain them but primarily in the context of forgiveness. For our discussion, there are a few points about Energy Leadership to consider:

• The consciousness level of our mind, rises and falls every second of every day like the stock market.
  
• The average way-of-being or consciousness can be measured with an assessment that he developed.
  
• This assessment also charts how much of our consciousness resides on which of these seven levels. How much mental time and energy is devoted to fear-dominated or anger-dominated viewpoints, for example.
  
• Any aspect of your thinking, on any subject, can be understood in the context of these seven levels.
  
• Through self-honesty and Coaching, your mind can be trained for the habits of higher consciousness!
  

After years of evaluating the assessment results, Dr. Schneider has shown, through studies that a relatively minor rise in this average, correlated with significant shifts in outlook and results! For example, the difference between 2.5 and 3.0 (out of 7) had a 20% increase in financial success and a 12% greater feeling of spiritual connection!

The truly important thing to understand about this is that through the awareness and comprehension of the activity of your Mind, consciousness can be raised!

We will talk about the three lowest levels, first.  For most of us, when we have not forgiven, the consciousness of our thinking is somewhere on Levels 1 or 2!  My aim is to provide tools and insight for a forgiveness-lift to Level 3, at least!  Level 3 may not seem very high, but understanding the power of Level 3 thought is the difference between self-destructive behavior and the beginning steps of self-mastery! I will discuss the higher forms of forgiveness in later Blogs.

The context of forgiveness, believe-it-or-not, is founded on a person's mentality concerning attack and defense. In psychological terms, the un-forgiven act or un-forgivable circumstance is experienced as an attack from the outside world!  In other words, after an incident in which forgiveness is called for, there is often the feeling that our defenses have been breached and our vulnerabilities demonstrated!  Levels 1 and 2 are characterized by an automatic response to a belief in vulnerability at a time when that (seeming) vulnerability is the most apparent!

Level 1
The lowest level response, Level 1 includes several ideas about the attack we experienced.  Among them are:

1. This is a punitive world! That's just the way it is!
   
2. I must deserve this otherwise this wouldn't be happening to me!
   

Forgiveness, in this mind-set looks, like this:

"Because this attack on me is just THE WAY THINGS ARE, I accept the attack from this person or situation as being my due!"


When I say accept, I am going back to the definition "to give up resentment of or claim to requital for".  This "Victim identified" thinking is depressed, even self-destructive! Dr. Schneider uses the term "Catabolic".

Level 2
One level up represents a significant rise in consciousness.  Forgiveness, on this level, may surprise you because it is easily recognized but commonly experienced as something quite different than forgiveness!  This level, though much higher, is still founded on fear and the belief in vulnerability.  The Level 2 response to attack is:

1. This is a Kill or Be-Killed world! That's just the way it is!
   
2. You attack me, I attack BACK! I will Win!
   

Forgiveness, in this mind-set looks, like this:

"After I beat you into submission, get you under control, get EVEN with you, then you are all right with me!"

What I mean by "all right with me" is "to give up resentment of or claim to requital for" an offense.

Strange as it may seem, although this thought perspective is much higher than Level 1, it is still dominated by a commitment to the belief in fear and vulnerability!  The primary difference is the response to vulnerability!  This is a fighter!  The fight is the defense!  Level 1 typifies destruction of self, vs. the Level 2 destruction of everything not self!  The offending attacker provides the specific target since this form of "defense" cannot be directed at everything!  In many ways this thought system is just the flip side of Level 1. At Level 2 it is impossible to understand that an attack on another is an attack on one's Self. This thought level is, therefore, also "Catabolic".

So far, the kinds of forgiveness we have discussed are hardly recognizable as forgiveness!

Level 3
One more level up represents another significant rise in consciousness.  Forgiveness, on this level, better fits our common understanding!  This level is much higher than the two previous ones. It is not as well grounded in the belief in attack and vulnerability as a pervasive reality!  The Level 3 response to attack is:

1. The absolute nature of the world is unclear or at least not predetermined
   
2. You attack me; I will avoid your next attack but my best defense might not be to attack!
3. There really is something wrong with YOU.  I might guess what it is:
   1. You are having a bad day
      
   2. You have mistaken me for someone else
      
   3. Your attack is based on your misunderstanding of the situation
      
4. To myself I ask; "What is my best play here?"
   

Forgiveness, in this mind-set looks, like this:

"You are a jerk but my agenda is more important to me than dealing with you!  Maybe you just made a mistake so I can accept you and this seeming attack on my own terms!"

Again, when I say "accept", I am going back to the definition "to give up resentment of or claim to requital for". 

This kind of forgiveness is not the highest order of service but it is also not self-destructive!  It represents the possibility that MY agenda matters in this world.  It is not simply a reaction based on a set of assumptions about that world!  The idea that we can overlook the transgressions of others, because retaliation might not serve our agenda, is mostly what we call forgiveness!

The Attack/Defense cycle is broken on this level! There is not the automatic assumption of and attack. Although, Attack/Defense may take place, at this level, these actions are a choice and not a reaction!
 
The Mind/Body connection is a real one!  The stresses of daily irritations add up! Your mental state becomes a quiet constant murmuring of discontent! It can build so gradually that it goes un-noticed until…..POP! Becoming aware of our thinking can defuse this!

Practice forgiveness! When you notice an upset, ask yourself, am I accepting my victim-hood, striking out in anger or am I considering my best interest?

Practice forgiving the little irritations and the big upsets.  If you don't manage to forgive at the time of the attack, forgive yourself for that! Get back on track by forgiving the offending attack when you can!

Remember:

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

~ Buddha ~

Better late than never to drop that hot coal!