HOLIDAY SPIRIT!?

There is much about the holiday season that we can be thankful for!

The shopping and gifts, the food, the friends and family gatherings are all part of this time between Thanksgiving and the New Year that we call the Holiday Season!

THE BAD NEWS AND THE GOOD NEWS

These can also often be the very same things that distress us about the season!  The holiday experience can be filled with frustration, anger, loneliness and depression.

"It's those PEOPLE!" The things that they say or do, are so disturbing!  Sometimes we may even be disturbed by the things they DON'T say or do.  Either way, the "reason for the season" is sometimes forgotten!

In an instant, we know just how "they" should be behaving vs. how "they" ARE behaving!
"They" are the reason we are upset!  "They" robbed us of our peace!

THE BAD NEWS:  We are mistaken about being robbed!  We give away our peace!
THE GOOD NEWS:  If we can choose to give it away, we have the power to make a different choice!

Our difficulty emanates from the fact that we think we have enough information about people and situations to know what is best!

MEET THE FAMILY

I knew a woman that most considered, hard to be around!  This was my judgment also.  She was the kind of person that made you want to go the other way when she moved in your direction.

For just a moment, let's examine my thinking and behavior!  I was not simply observing her behavior.  I took it another step farther!   I judged that she was "many things, not good"!
Eventually, I got to know her father.  This woman became a completely different person to me!  Her father was a driven man, driven in ways that made his daughter's demeanor completely understandable!

Of course, I now had judgments about HIM, instead of her.  To me, he seemed to be a pathological tyrant!  Eventually, I learned a little about this man's history with his parents!  Just as his daughter had transformed, in my eyes, he also no longer looked the same!  It occurred to me in a moment, that his parents also had parents who I knew NOTHING about!  I had to let go of my judgment of them ALL because I really did not have enough information to make one!

We encounter persons or situations about which we have a strong opinion.  We are not simply observing the facts any more.  We have judged what is BAD and what is GOOD about the person or situation. We cannot know the complete past; we only know a small corner of the present and we know none of the future!

We are upset, and our peace departs, just because we think we know enough to JUDGE!

A SMALL DOUBT

I invite all of us to have a small doubt about '"knowing".  Take a deep breath!  Let's give ourselves a moment of doubt that we know enough to JUDGE.

Consider this idea:   Each judgment is a direct means of defining our differences.  It is also, therefor, evidence of our isolation!  I am suggesting that our judgments foster feelings of being disconnected from life and the people we meet in it.  It feels good to judge, but so does scratching the scab on a sore!  Perhaps this small doubt can assist us in resisting the urge to judge!!

"When your peace is threatened or disturbed in any way, say to yourself,

I do not know what anything, including this, means.  And so I do not know how to respond to it. And I will not use my own past learning as the light to guide me now."

A Course in Miracles 14:XI.6.6-9
 

Stop!

Take a deep breath!
 

RECOVER YOUR PEACE!

After peace has returned, we might even choose the option to go still further!  We may choose to respond to the person or situation with an open and honest curiosity!  How much do we really know about this person?  Try taking an interest!  In my experience, it is remarkable how approachable a person or situation becomes when we are at peace!

Can we interrupt judgment and there-by discover the possibility of a connection instead of a justification for isolation!

If we are willing to have this small doubt, we may discover that there is much more power in ASKING and LISTENING than there is in "KNOWING" and JUDGING!

Have a wonderful holiday season and don't give away your Peace!

A Chat with a dear friend on SmallBizTitans.com

Just thought you might be interested in visiting the website of a dear friend.  She interviews business owners and it was my honor to be asked!

http://smallbiztitans.com/episode-104-spiritual-coaching-and-small-business-coach-ken-davis-offers-entrepenuers-his-secrets.html

A New Look at Forgiveness

According to A Course in Miracles, peace can be found only through complete forgiveness (T-1.VI.1).

What is "Complete Forgiveness"? Eventually we will find out! Jesus says we must forgive 70 times 7 (Matthew 18:21-22).

SO! Experts agree; Forgiveness is a very effective area to which we may apply ourselves for the sake of spiritual growth and as you will see, it can be accomplished via mental retraining!

Before we discuss Forgiveness, let us become clear about the common definition of the word!Forgive (per Merriam-Webster)
1) a: to give up resentment of or claim to requital for forgive an insult;
    b: to grant relief from payment or forgive a debt;
2)   : to cease to feel resentment against (an offender): pardon forgive one's enemies;

Sounds pretty easy, "give up resentment of or claim to requital".  How do we do this?  How do we even know when we have "succeeded" in forgiving? Often enough, we think we have forgiven, only to find out later that we are still holding on to resentments or anger!  Part of the reason that we have so many questions is that forgiveness has many shades! Also this word looms fuzzily in our lives as a "good thing"! It will be very helpful to sharpen our definition of this concept! We need to unravel OUR THINKING concerning forgiveness.

I want to introduce one powerful tool, to assist us!

Dr. Bruce Schneider, a long-time Professional Life Coach and founder of a respected coach training school, iPEC, wrote a book called Energy Leadership.  In it he describes seven different levels of consciousness, Level 1 being the most Dualistic or fear minded and Level 7 being Non-Dual and completely conscious, enlightened.  (In my coaching, I sometimes jokingly refer to these levels as the "Stairway to Heaven".) Energy Leadership is a powerful coaching tool but there are many other valuable implications of the work surrounding its use! It is not important to know and understand everything about these levels, right now. As we proceed, I will explain them but primarily in the context of forgiveness. For our discussion, there are a few points about Energy Leadership to consider:

• The consciousness level of our mind, rises and falls every second of every day like the stock market.
  
• The average way-of-being or consciousness can be measured with an assessment that he developed.
  
• This assessment also charts how much of our consciousness resides on which of these seven levels. How much mental time and energy is devoted to fear-dominated or anger-dominated viewpoints, for example.
  
• Any aspect of your thinking, on any subject, can be understood in the context of these seven levels.
  
• Through self-honesty and Coaching, your mind can be trained for the habits of higher consciousness!
  

After years of evaluating the assessment results, Dr. Schneider has shown, through studies that a relatively minor rise in this average, correlated with significant shifts in outlook and results! For example, the difference between 2.5 and 3.0 (out of 7) had a 20% increase in financial success and a 12% greater feeling of spiritual connection!

The truly important thing to understand about this is that through the awareness and comprehension of the activity of your Mind, consciousness can be raised!

We will talk about the three lowest levels, first.  For most of us, when we have not forgiven, the consciousness of our thinking is somewhere on Levels 1 or 2!  My aim is to provide tools and insight for a forgiveness-lift to Level 3, at least!  Level 3 may not seem very high, but understanding the power of Level 3 thought is the difference between self-destructive behavior and the beginning steps of self-mastery! I will discuss the higher forms of forgiveness in later Blogs.

The context of forgiveness, believe-it-or-not, is founded on a person's mentality concerning attack and defense. In psychological terms, the un-forgiven act or un-forgivable circumstance is experienced as an attack from the outside world!  In other words, after an incident in which forgiveness is called for, there is often the feeling that our defenses have been breached and our vulnerabilities demonstrated!  Levels 1 and 2 are characterized by an automatic response to a belief in vulnerability at a time when that (seeming) vulnerability is the most apparent!

Level 1
The lowest level response, Level 1 includes several ideas about the attack we experienced.  Among them are:

1. This is a punitive world! That's just the way it is!
   
2. I must deserve this otherwise this wouldn't be happening to me!
   

Forgiveness, in this mind-set looks, like this:

"Because this attack on me is just THE WAY THINGS ARE, I accept the attack from this person or situation as being my due!"


When I say accept, I am going back to the definition "to give up resentment of or claim to requital for".  This "Victim identified" thinking is depressed, even self-destructive! Dr. Schneider uses the term "Catabolic".

Level 2
One level up represents a significant rise in consciousness.  Forgiveness, on this level, may surprise you because it is easily recognized but commonly experienced as something quite different than forgiveness!  This level, though much higher, is still founded on fear and the belief in vulnerability.  The Level 2 response to attack is:

1. This is a Kill or Be-Killed world! That's just the way it is!
   
2. You attack me, I attack BACK! I will Win!
   

Forgiveness, in this mind-set looks, like this:

"After I beat you into submission, get you under control, get EVEN with you, then you are all right with me!"

What I mean by "all right with me" is "to give up resentment of or claim to requital for" an offense.

Strange as it may seem, although this thought perspective is much higher than Level 1, it is still dominated by a commitment to the belief in fear and vulnerability!  The primary difference is the response to vulnerability!  This is a fighter!  The fight is the defense!  Level 1 typifies destruction of self, vs. the Level 2 destruction of everything not self!  The offending attacker provides the specific target since this form of "defense" cannot be directed at everything!  In many ways this thought system is just the flip side of Level 1. At Level 2 it is impossible to understand that an attack on another is an attack on one's Self. This thought level is, therefore, also "Catabolic".

So far, the kinds of forgiveness we have discussed are hardly recognizable as forgiveness!

Level 3
One more level up represents another significant rise in consciousness.  Forgiveness, on this level, better fits our common understanding!  This level is much higher than the two previous ones. It is not as well grounded in the belief in attack and vulnerability as a pervasive reality!  The Level 3 response to attack is:

1. The absolute nature of the world is unclear or at least not predetermined
   
2. You attack me; I will avoid your next attack but my best defense might not be to attack!
3. There really is something wrong with YOU.  I might guess what it is:
   1. You are having a bad day
      
   2. You have mistaken me for someone else
      
   3. Your attack is based on your misunderstanding of the situation
      
4. To myself I ask; "What is my best play here?"
   

Forgiveness, in this mind-set looks, like this:

"You are a jerk but my agenda is more important to me than dealing with you!  Maybe you just made a mistake so I can accept you and this seeming attack on my own terms!"

Again, when I say "accept", I am going back to the definition "to give up resentment of or claim to requital for". 

This kind of forgiveness is not the highest order of service but it is also not self-destructive!  It represents the possibility that MY agenda matters in this world.  It is not simply a reaction based on a set of assumptions about that world!  The idea that we can overlook the transgressions of others, because retaliation might not serve our agenda, is mostly what we call forgiveness!

The Attack/Defense cycle is broken on this level! There is not the automatic assumption of and attack. Although, Attack/Defense may take place, at this level, these actions are a choice and not a reaction!
 
The Mind/Body connection is a real one!  The stresses of daily irritations add up! Your mental state becomes a quiet constant murmuring of discontent! It can build so gradually that it goes un-noticed until…..POP! Becoming aware of our thinking can defuse this!

Practice forgiveness! When you notice an upset, ask yourself, am I accepting my victim-hood, striking out in anger or am I considering my best interest?

Practice forgiving the little irritations and the big upsets.  If you don't manage to forgive at the time of the attack, forgive yourself for that! Get back on track by forgiving the offending attack when you can!

Remember:

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

~ Buddha ~

Better late than never to drop that hot coal!

Purpose Vs. Reason

I often meditate. Many of you may also! You might call it quiet time. You might call it prayer. There are many things that I could mention about the benefits of this practice, but for now I want to discuss just one aspect of it. WHAT I have noticed is...

The mind chatters!

We have all experienced it. During quiet time, this chatter is much harder to take for granted, and normally, we DO take it for granted! But what about stressful times? Interestingly, the loudest chatter seems to be caused by stress although it also seems to be the least noticeable during these times!

Let's give some notice to it for a change!

One of the major modalities of this chatter is to look for and find REASONS WHY things occur! We commonly hear the lament "Everything happens for a REASON!" The quest for REASONS seems innocent, valuable and maybe even important.

Let's question this, for a moment! Just play along with me!

Is there really a REASON for everything that occurs? If we are honest, we know there is not! Any reason the mind may come up with is ultimately unsatisfactory. There is a reason for the reason and so on. The mind chatters endlessly until we begin to believe these REASONS make a difference!

For example, if I have a spouse that is abusive, I may feel that it might be useful to know the reason for the behavior. But really, knowing more about these reasons does nothing to address the abuse that I am experiencing! The question leaves me with an inclination to manipulate these reasons and change the spouses behavior instead of arranging my life so that I am no longer available for abuse. For example, the REASON my spouse is this way is because he is out of work, I just need to be nicer to him and he will feel better and stop the abuse!

The REASON question seeks to define a causality. This seeking ultimately fails because our perceptions and perspectives are naturally limited!

When we look honestly at our experience of REASON based questions, we must acknowledge several qualities. REASON, mostly offers a justification in the belief in our victim-hood! The REASONS are all based on what we experienced in the past and is therefore a backward looking process. Also consider this; The mind's chattering during the stressful time is not caused by the stress; it is usually the cause of the stress!

Consider, instead, the idea of PURPOSE. When we ponder an event, situation or idea in the context of PURPOSE, we naturally confront it from an altered perspective. The answers to Purpose questions are discovered in the moment, and therefore, can only be asked and answered by you regarding you! In other words, PURPOSE questions are about our own purposes; and if we are honest in our pondering, our answers can be powerful and bring us lasting peace!

Purpose questions seek to organize our relationship to people or events. And in that process, we must often create that relationship from nothing!

The example I mentioned offers several possible PURPOSE questions:

What is my Purpose for continuing in this abusive relationship? What, if any, higher good is being served by my staying? What, if any, ways can this good be served without the abuse? What does the situation say about my love for myself?

After I have left the situation, what was the Purpose of this experience in my life? What was there to learn about me? What value could my experience offer others that I know and love?

Questions of PURPOSE, in the context of Peace, are a forward looking and empowering process! PURPOSE will accommodate our most expansive possibilities and speak to that aspect of our nature that is unlimited. The answers created for PURPOSE questions often have the power to bring new meaning to the events in our lives!

The search for PURPOSE requires new habits of thought! The chatter of the mind supplies endless REASONS! So, how do we adjust our thoughts and allow lasting peace?

PRACTICE!

1. Awareness: Notice when the mind chatters! This is a greater accomplishment than you may imagine!
   
2. Forgive yourself for this chatter: Without forgiveness, your mind may chase its tail with questions like "What is the REASON my mind comes back to REASONS?" Just forgive yourself and move on!
   
3. Return to thoughts of purpose:
   
   1. Refresh your intention by being around those who think this way too.
      
   2. Participate in activities (Books, Music, Art, etc.) that keep you on track.
      
   3. Tell your friends and loved ones to remind you when they notice your REASON thinking (Note: It is not about changing THEM. It IS about YOUR habits)
      
   4. Get a Coach
      

I invite you to try this approach out for ONE WEEK and get back to me!

"...Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."

Desiderata
-- written by Max Ehrmann in the 1920s --

Compassion for Haiti

As we watch the devastation in Haiti we are having many thoughts. What are they? What is the thought system that designs these thoughts?

Knowing this is a key to lasting Peace!

We may feel, and quite rightly, that the Haiti situation calls for ACTION, but I want to stay on the subject of our thinking for just a while!


First, let's talk about this word, COMPASSION!

For most of us, when we hear this word, we envision examples in the extreme! We see a person losing it while witnessing a wrenching scene of the suffering of others! We may have a variety of reactions to this and from those reactions, we may choose to DO many different things. We believe this negative emotion to be COMPASSION. We are moved to ACT, but in acting we can find ourselves in a sort of trap! The TRAP is that our rush to ACT interferes with any questioning about what we are really feeling! I am suggesting that it is NOT COMPASSION that we are feeling!

We don't spend enough time thinking about the thoughts that drive our actions! We think that we are defined by our actions and therefore our actions are the only things that count. As we discover ourselves, it is not enough to "do the 'right' things for the 'wrong' reasons" and move on! In the world of self discovery, it is that which is going on with us that actually indicates how we see our selves. That is to say, as we see the world, so we see ourselves!

Compassion is, therefore, a POWERFUL mirror!

In fact, compassion is what we know about ourselves within our experience of others! To FEEL SORRY for what happens to another is to define the other person as a victim. It is better to stand with others as they climb out of the rubble rather than draping them with our tear-laden wet blanket. Those who are in extreme situations of suffering are already pressing against gravity of that situation! Feeling sorry for others is not compassion! It is Guilt!

One of the most powerful barriers to wellness in soldiers' suffering from PTSD occurs when they witness the death of a buddy! It is not just the loss of the buddy; it is the powerful relief response that IT WASN'T ME! Sorrow then becomes the emotion that takes us away from the guilt of having this response. That is, we FEEL SORRY because it is easier than profound GUILT!

Guilt is a product of judgment of SELF! In other words, what we have been calling compassion for someone else is actually ALL ABOUT US! We see the victim because that is how we see ourselves! In fact, we see victims everywhere we look!

Now for ACTION! Contribute to the aid effort! Keep contributing! As we do so, celebrate our ability to participate in Haiti's triumph in adversity! A woman rescued from the rubble came out singing! She said "Don't be afraid of death!"

There is pain and suffering AND Triumph! What will YOU Celebrate?

Resolutions for the New Year! NOT!

Most resolutions are basically how we chastise ourselves for not doing something we thought we should have done or think we should do but don't want to! The underlying premise of a resolution is usually a negative feeling about ourselves or our activities. This can even be true, with very positive resolutions like the following ones:

"I will be more generous." means "I don't think I have been generous enough."
"I will smile and laugh more." means "I don't smile and laugh enough"

You get the idea!

Is it any wonder that we fail at the resolution game!

Let's try this!

The New Year will only have the meaning that YOU give it! (A strange thought, I know!)

Suppose we look at events of the past year (we will CHOOSE to give special significance and meaning to the collection of 12 months we call a year)! Shall we view every event in the period with Love, Forgiveness and Gratitude? This is not a resolution for the coming year, SO Let's do it NOW!

For most of us this will be a challenge! This requires honesty but it is doable!

HERE IS THE KEY:

Apply this Love, Forgiveness and Gratitude to YOURSELF as you look back on the year!

Eventually, you may notice that this practice is not about looking back or looking ahead.

It is about NOW, The Eternal Always!